Meow Back, Racing Fan, and 20 Great Facebook Status Updates

Make someones Thursday, share one of these…

20 Great Facebook Status Updates:

  1. NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou shalt not start Christmas advertising when it is still October.
  2. Shit’s spiraling out of control and I’m all like “wheeeee.”
  3. Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard.
  4. The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
  5. I know I’ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
  6. You can stop trying to drive me crazy. I’m honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
  7. Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets.
  8. The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
  9. I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes.
  10. I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
  11. I don’t ONLY care about myself. I care about like 5 other people… and animals.
  12. No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
  13. Nothing like my bank account to kill any feelings of spontaneity.
  14. Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
  15. I wonder how all those really loud and obnoxious gifts I gave my nieces and nephews are working now?
  16. I find your lack of a Facebook account highly suspicious.
  17. My career path is now going to be committing enough crimes so that the FBI asks for my help in preventing other crimes.
  18. I love those moments where no words are said, but you just start laughing with someone.
  19. You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
  20. If you say you can’t cook what your really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Racing Fan has a Cool Trick…

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That’s pretty awesome! Now I need a can to try this black magic.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Amazing Kid Costume, Best Friends, & Really Good Status Updates

Score more likes, share one of these…

Really Good Facebook Status Updates:

  1. My talents include stress eating and falling in love with people that will never love me back.
  2. School: juggling 50 things at once until you get so exhausted physically and mentally that you give up on everything and watch TV.
  3. *passionately sings the wrong line to a song*
  4. Why am I only motivated to sort my life out at 3am?
  5. Don’t worry kids, being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  6. I need to take a day…..or four.
  7. It’s amazing how ‘not thin’ a box of Thin Mints can make you feel.
  8. My favorite winter activity is staying inside in my pajamas and being antisocial.
  9. I need to get my birthday suit taken in.
  10. Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
  11. Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
  12. I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
  13. Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
  14. Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they’ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what’s really going on.
  15. I tried being modest once, as expected I was f*cking amazing at it.
  16. I’m confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
  17. I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
  18. You haven’t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
  19. Calm the eff down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
  20. I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Best Kid Costume, EVER!

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This dad, wins! So amazingly cute :) Share if you enjoyed!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Caught in the Act, Pay Attention, and Quality Status Updates

Make someones Tuesday, share one of these…

20 Quality Facebook Status Posts from This Week:

  1. I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
  2. Excited to go to sleep tonight.
  3. It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
  4. I have so much homework…
    What movie should I watch?
  5. I’m equal parts sweetheart and smart ass.
  6. I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
  7. Thanks for pretending not to see me while I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation.
  8. Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
  9. Why can’t the ice cream man just get a fricken’ liquor license already?
  10. Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
  11. If you love someone set them free, and then follow their life without you on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for eternity.
  12. Guys, when your sitting there playing Call Of Duty, just know your girlfriends calling another guy to do your duty..
  13. To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
  14. If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
  15. The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
  16. I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.
  17. My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
  18. Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We’ll let you know.
  19. Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That’s how many seconds you just wasted.
  20. Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Man Caught Secretly Being a Fan…

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That beer won’t bring back your manliness my friend.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

German Shepard Dreaming, Home Alone, and Cool Status Updates

Make Monday fun, share one of these…

Cool Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Running seems like a great idea until you actually start running.
  2. No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
  3. When you need to cough in an exam but you’ve already coughed like twice so you just sit there suffocating.
  4. I’m one of those people who has friends but is nobody’s favorite. If I don’t initiate a convo or ask to hang out, I’ll never see my friends.
  5. How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentickles.
  6. Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
  7. Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
  8. Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan ‘Missouri Loves Company?’ If not, what is even the point of Missouri?
  9. Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
  10. If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
  11. Unless you were severely beaten with a canned good, I don’t want to hear about how you’re in a food coma.
  12. I’m not saying golf isn’t a sport, but you have to do paperwork while you play it.
  13. A convenient thing about friending people from your high school on Facebook is that you’ll never need to buy a book of inspirational quotes.
  14. Global warming sucks but I’m kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.
  15. I bet your ass gets jealous of all of the shit that comes out of your mouth.
  16. To get someone’s adrenaline rushing, hands trembling & the urge to punch you in the face during a heated argument, say, “You need to relax.”
  17. I’d be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
  18. On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
  19. You should be able to see who you would be sitting next to while you’re booking your flight. I would allow them to see stats on me if I got a discount.
  20. I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them..

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Deep Sleep / Dreaming German Shepard Wakes Up…

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That was funny! Guy must of been having a great dream :P

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.