Ladies Amirite, Stupid Cat, and Good Status Updates for Facebook.

Make someones Day…

12 Good Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. Please enjoy your day. Not mine.
  2. If halloween to new years isn’t your favorite time of the year we have a problem.
  3. Four drinks and I’m using curse words like commas.
  4. Eat like no one is watching.
  5. If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
  6. I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
  7. How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
  8. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it louder.
  9. Paper cuts: so small, but so evil.
  10. If he texts you while he’s with his family, that means he really likes you. Or he just hates his family.
  11. GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF: Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now and you sweetheart ? GF: In the club standing right behind you.
  12. Don’t act like you never waddled across the house to get a new roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

STupid CAt (one day late for Cat day, but, everyday is Cat day on the internets amirite?)

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Ugh, that makes me love muh cat more. They suck but, they sure are loveable!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Best Golf Shot Ever, Terrible Work Epidemic, and Good Time Status Updates

Pick something that fits and share it…

Sharable Facebook Status Updates for a Good Time:

  1. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  2. Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
  3. Your cat thinks of you as a pet.
  4. Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
  5. What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
  6. Sargasm: the exhilarating feeling you get when the right person understands that you weren’t serious and appreciates your joke.
  7. I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
  8. Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.
  9. Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
  10. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
  11. On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
  12. Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
  13. Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
  14. I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant.
  15. Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
  16. Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
  17. Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
  18. I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
  19. It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
  20. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Best Golf Shot Ever…

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That was phenomenal! The tap-in for birdie was too easy so he took the long road home :) LOL – share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Cruel Mommy, Trucks, and Smart Status Updates

Make Tuesday fun, share one of these…

Smart Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.
  2. Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
  3. *cares more about TV show characters and their problems than my own*
  4. If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
  5. Me: Mom I need money
    Mom: What? Did you spend those two dollars I gave you in 2003 already?
    ok
  6. Today I’m wearing a nice dark shade of exhaustion under my eyes.
  7. Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor’s coupons?
  8. My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
  9. I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
  10. Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
  11. My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
  12. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
  13. It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
  14. We’re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings.
  15. A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
  16. Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
  17. Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
  18. Getting my kids to school on time is like organizing a moon landing with tiny, grumpy astronauts.
  19. I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says “don’t be an asshole”
  20. Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cruel Mommy…

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Dawwwww poor baby! Does all that hard work of peeling the orange and then mom just takes it from her. Happy ending though :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Touchdown Baby, Jarhead, and 20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates

Make Monday fun, share one of these… 20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I used to be able to sleep for 4 hours, wake up, and function normally. No problem. Now I need 10 hours of sleep just to feel alive.
  2. *gets absolutely nothing done*
    well time for a break
  3. You could give me 67 years to do homework and I wouldn’t do it until the night before.
  4. I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense.
  5. Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
  6. *burns 200 calories @ the gym*
    *eats 2000 calories afterward*
  7. Food will never break my heart.
  8. My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
  9. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
  10. It’s getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.
  11. The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
  12. The more periods she writes after “ok…” the less okay things are.
  13. Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
  14. If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
  15. Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.
  16. Creepy: People who request middle seats on airplanes.
  17. People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
  18. It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
  19. A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
  20. Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Touchdown Baby… YouTube Preview Image

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.