Kids Job Interview, Crazy Math, and Weird Status Updates

Get over hump day, share one of these…

Weird Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
  2. Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
  3. The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.
  4. I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
  5. You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
  6. 2 things I look for in a woman: Intelligence and a filthy mind. So, basically a pervert with a high IQ.
  7. I want a hot body but I also want hot wings.
  8. No matter what they did to you to make you hate them, you just can’t forget about someone that was good in bed.
  9. The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
  10. No one your age has any idea what they’re doing either. No matter what age you are.
  11. I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
  12. I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, “This is why we have to stay in school”
  13. Good thing I’m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
  14. People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.
  15. A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
  16. What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
  17. Here’s a crazy concept, maybe I’m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it’s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
  18. If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
  19. That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
  20. Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

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Kids Mimic “Job Interview” (Hilarious!)

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You’re fired! I’m just kidding, you’re hired. LOL!

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When You Notice, Never Shave, and Funny Status Posts

Tuesday will be fun when you share….

Funny Status Update Posts:

  1. Tuesday, I just can’t with you right now.
  2. I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
  3. My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
  4. Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
  5. I’ve finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel: I feel hungry.
  6. Do you ever eat a delicious meal, then save the best bits of whatever is on the plate for the “perfect last bite”?
  7. I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
  8. I knew I should have stayed in bed today.
  9. Single white sock seeks same.
  10. If she shaves it and you ain’t gettin’ it. Someone else is…
  11. Not only do I believe cannabis should be legalized, it should also be forcibly administered to Congress.
  12. “Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show.
  13. This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.
  14. That awkward moment when a stranger looks at you while you are taking a selfie.
  15. This whole grown-up thing has been fun but I have to go now.
  16. The Send All function should require another person to key in a code like you would for a nuclear launch.
  17. I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille.
  18. The best part about living alone is that no one is there to witness your bad choices. Well, other than your cat.
  19. Anyone else feel that iTunes is complete sh*t?
  20. The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.

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Never Shave Your Beard:

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Little girl is so adorable! You can literally see the moment when she realizes that’s daddy :) So cute!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Awkward Moment, Struggle Was Real, and Epic Status Posts

Make today count, share one of these…

Epic Facebook Status Posts:

  1. I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So….see you after breakfast.
  2. If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
  3. There’s no panic like trying to press “End” when you make an accidental call.
  4. I have the ability to get a song stuck in anyone’s head and I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over.
  5. My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
  6. The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
  7. Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
  8. People say circumcision dosen’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
  9. Stages of beard length:
    1.) sexy stubble
    2.) sea captain beard
    3.) prisoner of war beard
    4.) homeless person beard
    5.) wizard beard
  10. The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
  11. Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
  12. If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
  13. No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
  14. I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
  15. Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
  16. Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don’t want to see.
  17. It scares me that some of you have children.
  18. I’d like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button… in like 9 minutes.
  19. My wife said, “You always blame everyone else when things go wrong” I said..”And whose fault is that?”
  20. The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

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Awkward Moment When You Go To Help And No One Notices…

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Happens to the best of us :) Poor kid / guy!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Rescue Hound, Video Games, and On Point Status Updates

Make the weekend last longer, share these…

On Point Facebook Status Updates:

  1. We’ve officially reached that annoying time in the year where it’s sweater weather in the morning, but by midday you die from a heatstroke.
  2. Don’t like my sarcasm? Well, I don’t like your stupid.
  3. I wanted to work out but then I wanted to not work out more.
  4. It’s always a good day when you come across someone that you can unfriend on Facebook.
  5. If I had a dollar for every bad date I’ve been on, I wouldn’t have to date anymore because I’d be independently wealthy.
  6. Nearly finished with your makeup. Mascara wand brushes your cheek. LIFE OVER.
  7. I’m going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i’m correct, they should owe me $950.
  8. It saddens me that today’s youth will never have to endure the character-building pain of waiting for dial-up Internet to connect.
  9. I call my fists Thunder & Lightning because there’s about a one in a million chance that they’ll cause any damage.
  10. You can’t turn a lesson into love but if you’re not careful you might turn a love into a lesson.
  11. My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.
  12. Alien 1: Did the humans get our message?
    Alien 2: Yes, But they named it Dubstep and they dance to it.
  13. Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
  14. I’m getting tired of fat people doing laps around the all-you-can-eat buffet in their little scooters.
  15. The youth of today have it way too easy. Just once I would like to see them have to go through the trouble of blowing into a video game just to make it work.
  16. It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
  17. Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
  18. My Mama is gonna be pissed when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.
  19. The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
  20. 3 more payments to Whole Foods and that Naked Juice is so mine.

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Rescue Bassett Hound and Lil Kid Dance the Day Away…

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Soooo, cute! Not a care in the world :) Times like these are what life is all about.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.