German Shepard Dreaming, Home Alone, and Cool Status Updates

Make Monday fun, share one of these…

Cool Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Running seems like a great idea until you actually start running.
  2. No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
  3. When you need to cough in an exam but you’ve already coughed like twice so you just sit there suffocating.
  4. I’m one of those people who has friends but is nobody’s favorite. If I don’t initiate a convo or ask to hang out, I’ll never see my friends.
  5. How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentickles.
  6. Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?
  7. Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
  8. Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan ‘Missouri Loves Company?’ If not, what is even the point of Missouri?
  9. Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
  10. If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
  11. Unless you were severely beaten with a canned good, I don’t want to hear about how you’re in a food coma.
  12. I’m not saying golf isn’t a sport, but you have to do paperwork while you play it.
  13. A convenient thing about friending people from your high school on Facebook is that you’ll never need to buy a book of inspirational quotes.
  14. Global warming sucks but I’m kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.
  15. I bet your ass gets jealous of all of the shit that comes out of your mouth.
  16. To get someone’s adrenaline rushing, hands trembling & the urge to punch you in the face during a heated argument, say, “You need to relax.”
  17. I’d be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
  18. On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
  19. You should be able to see who you would be sitting next to while you’re booking your flight. I would allow them to see stats on me if I got a discount.
  20. I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them..

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Deep Sleep / Dreaming German Shepard Wakes Up…

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That was funny! Guy must of been having a great dream :P

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Drought My Ass, Cap Gun, and Funny Thoughts for your Status Update.

Weekends never last long enough, make someone smile – share one of these…

Funny Thoughts for your Status Update:

  1. If you command me to do something that I was already planning on doing the chances of me doing that thing automatically drop to zero.
  2. Based on your eyebrows, you have no business giving anyone advice on life.
  3. If only I was given a dollar for every time I made myself look stupid in front of a cute person.
  4. “I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
  5. Food is my favorite. If I ever share it with you, then you’re pretty damn special.
  6. If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
  7. Nothing ruins the high of pay day quite like the low of bill pay day.
  8. Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
  9. I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
  10. Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
  11. Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
  12. “Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry.”
  13. The odds that you’d ever exist were 1 in 10^2685000. You are a miracle – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  14. Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
  15. “It’s a long story.” – people who don’t want to talk about whatever you just asked about.
  16. Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
  17. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
  18. Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things.
  19. I don’t understand why people get angry someone breaks up with them by text. I used to break up with people by just never talking to them again.
  20. It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Drought My Ass…

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Every year there’s a drought. Ya, right! Ignore this dirt I’m drinking ;)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Motorcycle Bulldog Wave, Tomorrow Cancelled, and Best Status Updates

Happy Friday, make someones day share one of these…

20 Best Facebook Statuses Spotted This Week:

  1. It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.
  2. The main reason I watch documentaries is to have Morgan Freeman’s voice soothe me to sleep.
  3. I should really stop developing crushes on people I can’t touch.
  4. Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
  5. Study. Take the test. Pass. Forget everything. College in a nutshell.
  6. I don’t believe in getting up in the morning. It’s against my religion.
  7. I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
  8. You know you’re desperate for chocolate when you raid your baking supplies for chocolate chips.
  9. I’m surprised as everyone else is by what comes out of my mouth.
  10. No, you can’t have a bite.
  11. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22! Unless is past 10pm, then I’m more like 28-30.
  12. Kinda hard to respect the Hamburglar when, with just a tiny bit more effort, he could be a Cheeseburglar.
  13. “Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
  14. Ladies- it’s important to have a man that: 1) Rocks in bed 2) Buys you stuff 3) Compliments you 4) The above 3 men don’t know each other.
  15. I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.”
  16. Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
  17. Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
  18. I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
  19. I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
  20. Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Bulldog Wave…

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That’s one smart (and cool) dude. Little known fact, motorcyclists often wave to each other as a symbol of respect. This bulldog obviously gets that.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Karma, Super Randomness, and Joking Statuses

Make someones day, share one of these…

20 Joking Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
  2. Slugs are just snails that have been through a divorce.
  3. If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
  4. Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
  5. If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
  6. Tell me more about this victim role you play due to the circumstances that you’ve created for yourself.
  7. Happiest are the people who give most happiness to others.
  8. You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
  9. I love that part of relationships when people don’t know they hate each other yet.
  10. I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
  11. Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
  12. If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.
  13. It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
  14. Without a doubt, the cashew is my favorite nut that sounds like a sneeze.
  15. Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
  16. Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.
  17. I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I’m an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
  18. If a girl can kick your ass at video games, she’s a keeper.
  19. School prepares you for employment as much as fornication prepares you for parenthood.
  20. Face tattoos are like regular tattoos except face ones let everyone know you’d rather not have a job where you pay taxes.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

When you have too much time on your hands…

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Was the spinning plate really necessary? No, but it was awesome.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.