Dog Lays on Horn, Cookie Dough, & Best 20 Weekend Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

Best 20 Weekend Status Updates:

  1. I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
  2. Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
  3. “what’s your major in college?”
    “stress”
  4. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because, I myself am still a little sore from the impact.
  5. My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans are all like, “SALAD.”
  6. I love you enough to actually talk to you on the phone.
  7. All the hot people are engaged. Except for me, of course.
  8. I just wanna stay home and cuddle my dog. Is that a crime?
  9. *drinks 1 bottle of water*
    man I am so good at taking care of myself, I mean wow
  10. Thanks for pretending not to see me while I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation.
  11. I love when people give me bites of their food, but I hate giving bites of mine.
  12. Keeping your job is the new raise.
  13. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
  14. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it louder.
  15. The fact that spiders can’t fly is one of God’s many gifts.
  16. I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
  17. I’m not fat.
    I’m just so sexy, it overflows.
  18. You never know how strong you are…. until you’re home alone and have to open your own jar of pickles.
  19. I never do sit ups at home because I absolutely hate domestic ab use.
  20. Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Lays On Horn When Human Takes Too Long:

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LOL, really people?!? If my dog did this I would never leave him again because of how awesome he is. Like/Share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. We’ll see you on Monday!

Sassy Kid, Sad Cats, & 20 Clever Status Updates

Make someone smile, share one of these..

20 Clever Status Updates:

  1. If age is just an attitude, I could use an attitude adjustment.
  2. It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
  3. I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
  4. I wonder how many times we forgive someone just because we don’t want to lose them even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness.
  5. perks of being friends with me: I’ll never get sick of u pointing out dogs
    cons of being friends with me: I’ll point out every dog we pass
  6. I don’t have abs. I have flabs.
  7. WHO THE F*CK TOOK MY…..oh here it is.
  8. Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
  9. Me: *gets stressed over life*
    Me: *doesn’t care anymore*
    Me: *gets stressed over the fact that I don’t care anymore*
  10. True love is when ur pet comes to ur room on its own
  11. Me: okay lets start this homework
    *2 hours later*
    Me: okay lets start this homework
  12. My brain has too many tabs open
  13. Looking for a once in a lifetime experience? Go skydiving with no parachute.
  14. That Moment When you realize you might get into credit card debt over the shopping list for your new diet.
  15. If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911″
  16. So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.
  17. I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
  18. “whatever, I’m done talking about this”
    *5 minutes later*
    “and you know what else-“
  19. Be careful who you call your friends…I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
  20. How many times do I have to type haha before my phone stops autocorrecting to gaga?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Little Kid Gets Upset Her Grandma Used the Word “Poop”:

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That’s a quite articulate little girl. She really doesn’t appreciate when someone uses potty mouth.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Crazy Chimp Fight, Awkward Dodge, & 20 Witty Status Updates

Get over hump day, share one of these..

20 Witty Status Updates:

  1. I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
  2. I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
  3. If a white girl falls in the forest and no one is around to omg, does she even?
  4. My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
  5. I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.
  6. I need to start drinking green shit and jogging.
  7. I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
  8. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except, maybe, a burger and fries.
  9. I’d love to do something today, but I already did something yesterday.
  10. I need to take a day…..or four.
  11. Kill first, ask questions later. What kind of bug was it?
  12. Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
  13. A group of mistakes is called a life.
  14. I want time to play games, snack, and nap. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.
  15. Every group of friends has a guy who they only call by their last name.
  16. A mother’s sacrifice is not having a child. It’s 9 months with no wine.
  17. How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
  18. That awkward moment when you laugh so hard your eyes get water and people think you’re crying.
  19. I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
  20. A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Crazy Chimp Fight..

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Whoa! It’s like the chimp evolved at the 1 minute mark into a super chimp. That was crazy. Share/Like if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Kid Logic, Pope Pizza, & Top 20 Status Updates

From this week on Facebook..

Top 20 Status Updates:

  1. I thought I made up “the floor is lava.” It never occurred to me that every child knows what it is.
  2. Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket just remember that.
  3. If there are 1 billion people better than you at something, you’re still in the top 15% for that thing.
  4. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page.
  5. I just now realized the connection between the words “timid” and “intimidate”
  6. In 80 years or so, Facebook and Twitter will be a hub for the thoughts of the dead.
  7. Whenever you say something happened for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. That was supposed to happen.
  8. That awkward moment when you have an awkward conversation, then replay it over and over in your head later.
  9. I’ve stolen pens from the bank. Technically I’ve robbed a bank.
  10. Apple’s iPhone is the reason I didn’t feel the need to carry around a watch anymore. Now they want me to buy a watch.
  11. I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
  12. Our hair turning gray is like our body running out of ink.
  13. Dr. Pepper might be a woman and you should be ashamed that you’ve never considered that until this very moment.
  14. 1990 is as far away as 2040
  15. Why is there no adult Easter egg hunt!? A hunt where inside the plastic eggs are drink tickets for a beer garden. And brunch would be served. It would be glorious.
  16. Procrastinators are able to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in the 30 minutes before it’s due.
  17. “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
  18. I like to push my body to the limit, but not in the healthy living way more like in the how much pasta can I eat before I’m unable to move way.
  19. I wonder how many times we forgive someone just because we don’t want to lose them even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness.
  20. Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

The Pope Accepts a Pizza from the Pope-Mobile..

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This Pope is all sorts of awesome! Taking a pizza on the go like that, mad respect.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.