EPIC Pen Spinning, Horrible Hiccups, and Top Statuses

Make your weekend count, share these…

Top 20 Statuses this week on Facebook:

  1. Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
  2. So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
  3. I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.
  4. I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
  5. New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.
  6. I’m all for change as long as it doesn’t directly affect my routine.
  7. It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
  8. I keep forgetting – which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
  9. I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair.
  10. Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
  11. FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
  12. Hey, girls who won’t stop talking about how much you love sports: We get it. You want a boyfriend.
  13. I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
  14. I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
  15. Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
  16. I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights….just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a train.
  17. Hey scientists, you gave us Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. How about you stop playing with your dicks and give us something for cancer?
  18. It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
  19. Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life
  20. I saved a TON of money today by not being a shortsighted, materialistic idiot.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

When You Got The Hiccups Real Bad…

EPIC Pen Spinning…

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Whoa, I had no clue you could do so much with a Pen. Dat Leg Move Doe! Some might say these guys have the skills to pay the bills.

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Ultimate Selfie, Generous Puppy, and 20 Phenomenal Status Updates

Relax, it’s almost the weekend, share these…

20 Phenomenal Status Updates:

  1. Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
  2. I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
  3. There are five types of fear.
    1. terror
    2. panic
    3. 14 missed calls from mom
    4. username or password is incorrect
    5. we need to talk
  4. My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
  5. My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
  6. If you have to ask someone “Didn’t you get my text?” that person hates you.
  7. I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
  8. I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
  9. Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me every time it happens.
  10. Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
  11. Hate it when you open the fridge and can’t find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
  12. Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
  13. If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
  14. You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.
  15. If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.
  16. What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
  17. I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
  18. Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
  19. Pretty sure crosswalk buttons don’t actually work and are only there to make us feel like we have control over our lives.
  20. It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Idiot Gets Kicked in the Head While Taking a “Train” Selfie…

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Let this be a lesson to us all. We could use about 98% less selfies (unless you’re an adorable or hot girl).

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Help-a-Pup, Password FAIL, and Responsive Statuses

Make Hump Day count, share these…

20 Status Updates that get a good response:

  1. That awkward moment when you fail at being mad at somebody because they make you laugh.
  2. People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again.
  3. You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.
  4. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a normal sleeping pattern.
  5. Even staring at a wall becomes interesting while studying.
  6. I hate it when I meow at cats and they don’t meow back. Unbelievably rude.
  7. Any woman can drive you crazy when you’re with her. Find the woman who drives you crazy being without her.
  8. My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
  9. Are we posting pictures of missing vegans on soy milk cartons yet?
  10. I’m convinced girls only want one thing from guys… All of our hoodies.
  11. Dentist: Do you remember the last time you flossed? Me: It should say on your sheet right over there.
  12. Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
  13. Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
  14. At the end of my dinner the waiter asks “wanna box” so I got up and knocked him the f out. I bet he won’t ask that question again.
  15. Depresso: When you’ve run out of coffee.
  16. Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
  17. You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
  18. You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.
  19. These spaghetti-o’s taste like I don’t get paid until tomorrow.
  20. Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Share for Dogs (Every time you watch this, they give money to charity)

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Make sure to share with your friends!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Harmonica Duo, Cats Vs. Dogs, and Awesome Statuses

Score more likes, share these…

Awesome Facebook Statuses:

  1. That awkward moment when you don’t understand a joke but laugh anyway, and then someone asks you to explain the joke.
  2. 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
  3. Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk ass.
  4. Your mom’s so easy her nickname is ‘Staples’.
  5. This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
  6. If you say A for effort I’m going to correct you and say E for effort.
  7. Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single..”
  8. “Beauty sleep” is such bologna I sleep 12 hours a day and I still look like a trashcan.
  9. McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
  10. Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
  11. I need new swear words.
  12. I like my women how I like my coffee, with little or no pubic hair.
  13. Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
  14. Me: We could see snakes on a plane if you want.
    Friend: oh cool whats it about? Me: Elephants…..elephants on a boat.
  15. I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
  16. Don’t worry, Prince Harry. We only have one bathroom, so I too know what it’s like to be 3rd in line for the throne.
  17. It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
  18. If Candy Crush had a face, I’d punch it.
  19. Said Hi to my crush on chat. She didn’t reply. Awesome!  I left her speechless.
  20. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Plays Harmonica with Toddler…

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Doesn’t get much cuter than that, folks! You may share if you liked it :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.