Donuts, Best Beer Commercial, and Clever Facebook Statuses.

Make your weekend last longer, share these…

20 Clever Facebook Statuses for the Weekend:

  1. New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
  2. We take the naps we think we deserve.
  3. I wonder if anyone ever looks at me while I’m doing something and thinks I’m pretty. Because I do that all the time to people.
  4. Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
  5. I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.
  6. Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of shit going on?
  7. I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.
  8. Be good to yourself, you’re all you’ve got.
  9. I am NEVER snotty or rude to somebody when I first meet them. People have to earn that shit.
  10. If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
  11. I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
  12. We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
  13. Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
  14. “Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
  15. Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
  16. The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
  17. I need a hallmark card that says “Sorry for the things I’ve said about your girlfriend I didn’t know you were gonna get back together again”
  18. If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
  19. If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
  20. What if you woke up with amnesia & all you could remember was your Facebook password & you had to discover who you were based off your updates.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Best Beer Commercial,Perhaps Ever:

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Kind of makes you want a beer, doesn’t it?

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Sarcasm, Dinosaur in Compton, and Facebook Statuses for Whenever.

You can make someone smile, share one of these…

20 Funny Facebook Statuses for Whenever:

  1. I don’t care how hot you are, if your personality is sh*t your physical appearance automatically means nothing.
  2. I just wanna sit on a rooftop with someone at 2am and just look at the night sky, not worrying about anything going on in life.
  3. My super power? Opening a text and mentally responding…then forgetting to actually respond…
  4. When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
  5. When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
  6. Fitness? More like, fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
  7. My best friends are my best friends because everyone else sucks.
  8. Sleep is my cardio.
  9. I just want to cuddle and watch Netflix with you.
  10. I may be offensive, but at least I’m an equal opportunity offender.
  11. Sorry for the mean, accurate things I said to you.
  12. There is nothing to fear but fear itself… oh, and spiders. F*ck spiders.
  13. Eats organic. Smokes cigarettes. #HipsterProblems
  14. Unless you are selling Thin Mints, do NOT ring my doorbell.
  15. Much like a puppy, I’m cute enough to get away with things.
  16. 6+3=9
    but so does 5+4
    The way you do things is not always the only way to do them. Respect other people’s way of thinking.
  17. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, unless you’re a television network.
  18. A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
  19. Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
  20. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dinosaur in Compton:

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Those reactions are priceless. Could you imagine running into a dinosaur on the street? LOL!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Alarm Clock Dog, Your Name, and 20 Crazy Facebook Statuses

One of these will make you laugh guaranteed…

20 Crazy Facebook Statuses:

  1. Can I nominate you for the boiling water challenge?
  2. I don’t mean to interrupt people I just randomly remember things and get really excited I’m sorry.
  3. Some people annoy me and I don’t even know them…
  4. Dance like nobody is watching!!! …because they’re not…they’re checking their phone.
  5. If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
  6. It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
  7. You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
  8. At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
  9. Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!
  10. A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
  11. Clear the unused time on the microwave, you monster!
  12. Bless me Father for I hit send.
  13. Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
  14. The best kinds of laughter: Laughing so hard your laugh becomes silent.
  15. Life is only as great as the risks you’re willing to take.
  16. Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.
  17. Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
  18. For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I’m on a ‘secure line’
  19. I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
  20. You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Alarm clock wakes up Dog, and he reacts like a human:

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Bah, that little bugger doesn’t even have to work :P

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Crossfit Parody, Dating Life, and Smart Status Updates

Get over hump day, share one of these…

20 Smart Facebook Status Updates:

  1. My life is like a Lamborghini. It’s going too fast, and it costs too much.
  2. I’m sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the same way you treat everyone all the time.
  3. Don’t just bend the rules, break them in half and beat them with both pieces.
  4. I didn’t realize growing up meant dying inside but hey it’s whatever.
  5. Do you ever like a celebrity so much you actually get jealous when other people say they like them?
  6. I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line…
  7. The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
  8. I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three times while carrying me to the car.
  9. Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.
  10. Step up in the club like, wait I gotta check-in and tag us in Facebook.
  11. Orgasms are a lot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don’t really care if you don’t have any pizza.
  12. People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.
  13. In the future, I’ll tell my grandchildren that I’m older than the internet thus blowing their minds forever.
  14. I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I’m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
  15. Wife: Hey babe! How’s your “Boy’s Night Out” going?
    Me: Don’t hang up! They say I only get one phone call..
  16. “Make the little things count”…you want me to teach midgets math?
  17. If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
  18. The best kinds of laughter: Laughing so hard your laugh becomes silent.
  19. Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
  20. When you’re dead, you don’t realize you’re dead; it’s only really difficult for the people around you. Kind of like when you’re stupid.

Witty StatusYesterdays Status Updates… 

Typical Crossfit Workout:

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That looks about right. Glad they share all their workouts on Facebook so we can benefit from them.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.