Smart Chimps, Television, & Pro Facebook Status Updates

Make Hump Day fun, share one of these..

20 Pro Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize its everything you never knew you wanted.
  2. As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
  3. Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
  4. The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
  5. You kids nowadays are so lucky. In my day we only had front facing cameras. Very hard to take a selfie.
  6. I can see exactly 5 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
  7. Cheese is basically happiness that you can melt.
  8. I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
  9. This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
  10. Humor is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  11. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  12. I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
  13. You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling you why…we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
  14. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
  15. I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
  16. I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
  17. Eat like nobody is watching. Or dance. Whatever.
  18. I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, chapstick and, on occasion, my sanity.
  19. JUST came up with a witty comeback for that thing you said 2 days ago!
  20. I want my eyelashes to be as black as my soul and as long as the list of people I hate.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Smart Chimp Solves Interesting Problem:

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How many of you would have been able to solve that?? Such amazing creatures!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

MMA Fighter Flips, Expecting, & 20 Slick Facebook Statuses

Score more likes, share one of these..

20 Slick Facebook Statuses:

  1. Lazy is such an ugly word I prefer the term selective participation.
  2. I’m like that dress. Some people can’t see that I look exactly like George Clooney.
  3. My special talents include: jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours.
  4. I have no one to blame but everyone else.
  5. I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
  6. Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing happy birthday to you?
  7. “Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
  8. I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
  9. Super passive aggressive that the iPhone doesn’t auto-capitalize ‘Google’
  10. Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
  11. Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
  12. Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.
  13. Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
  14. Dear World, Stop saying “fleek.”
  15. Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
  16. I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
  17. I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
  18. Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
  19. The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
  20. Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

MMA Fighter Flips Out on Video Game Developer..

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LOL, that was epic! Mayhem is a funny guy. Feel free to like/share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Cat Brushes Teeth, 2 Kinds of People, and 20 Great Facebook Posts.

These made me laugh, hope they do for you too..

20 Great Facebook Posts:

  1. That awkward moment when you plan a conversation in your head before asking someone for something.
  2. Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
  3. If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.
  4. Movie idea: Freaky Friday2015: Your LinkedIn profile and your Tinder profile accidentally switch places.
  5. Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
  6. It’s high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
  7. “You the bomb” “No you the bomb” Kind gesture in America. Argument in the Middle East.
  8. My mind was blown when I realized “OK” is a sideways person.
  9. While most people are getting more invested in relationships, I’m getting more invested in shows on Netflix.
  10. Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
  11. Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn’t have said out loud.
  12. My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
  13. Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
  14. The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
  15. “Know what would look good on you? Nothing.” Is both an insult and a compliment.
  16. The phrase “Do go on” contains 3 different pronunciations of the letter ‘o’
  17. There should be a movie rating based on how awkward it would be to watch with your parents.
  18. If Netflix had a “I don’t want to watch this movie. Ever” option, its recommendations would be much better.
  19. Thank God everyone agrees on the color of traffic lights.
  20. If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!”

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat Brushes Teeth..

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Needless to say his mind was blown. That was hilarious! Like/Share if you’d like ;)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Oldtown funk, new relationships, and the 20 best Facebook statuses.

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Best Facebook Status Updates:

  1. When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “There is a bear out there who knows how to use matches”.
  2. I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
  3. *stays home*
    I should’ve gone out
    *goes out*
    I should’ve stayed home
  4. I like my bed more than I like most people.
  5. Every day is Treat Yo’ Self day in my life.
  6. Drunk people, children and leggings always tell the truth.
  7. That awkward moment when someone is staring at you and you don’t know why so you double/triple check everything about yourself.
  8. Take the word “basically” out of any sentence you say with the word ” basically ” in it and you’ll find out there was absolutely no need to say “basically”. Basically it’s to make you try to make you sound clever, basically.
  9. I hate when you sit in class and do absolutely nothing.. like, I could do this shit in the comfort of my own bed.
  10. I just saw a dude wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I’m hoping it was because he was wearing uggs.
  11. The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
  12. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.
  13. It’s not holding a grudge. It’s remembering facts. Forever.
  14. There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
  15. I am a big believer in random acts of kindness. Also random acts of karate chop to the throat.
  16. How much time did you spend on your hair before you took a selfie of your boobs?
  17. Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
  18. I want to spend the rest of my cell phone battery with you.
  19. -Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-
  20. When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Group of Talented Seniors Cover “Uptown Funk” in a Spectacular Fashion:

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That was really well done, loved it! Like/Share if you did too.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. We’ll see you on Monday!